


food for broken souls

by noijonas



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 21:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2204229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noijonas/pseuds/noijonas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>his mind is on michael's eyes. sometimes they're blue, sometimes they're grey, usually they're green, but right now, they were home, and calum was so homesick he could feel it in his bones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	food for broken souls

the time for calum to catch his flight to the uk rolls around, and while awaiting his mom (she insisted on driving him to the airport) he leans against her car and digs in his pocket for a cigarette. lately, they taste the way he remembers michael's lips tasting. as he again fishes in his pocket for his lighter, he pulls it out to find michael's name scratched into the side of it haphazardly. calum is sure he can feel his heart literally aching in his chest and he tries to ignore the shakiness in his fingers as he flicks it on and lights up his cigarette. he keeps his eyes on the wilting grass beneath his feet, biting down on his lip as soon as his cigarette is in between his fingers instead. he looks down at his lighter again, trying to recall when michael had the chance to even do this. calum concludes that he must have been asleep when it happened, and his mom comes outside, clutching the last of calum's things.  
  
she yells at him for smoking in her car ("i was outside of the car, mom") but apologizes quickly, as she's having another of her my-baby-is-off-to-college moments. calum can understand her pain, but he has pain of his own to deal with. as his mom drives them to the airport, calum knows this is really the end- he and michael were never going to be okay again. he has to keep himself from crying, and if a few tears slip out, he blames it on having to say goodbye to his mom until christmas.  
  
once he's outside of the airport with nothing but his luggage surrounding him, he pulls out another cigarette, and the emptiness of the pack catches his eye. never has he gone through a pack so fast. calum closes his eyes, squatting down on his suitcase and inhaling, tasting nothing but michael's skin. every inhale is him taking back all the words he never told michael and he can taste michael's collarbones, and michael's fingertips, and his mouth is so dry that he has to put the cigarette out.  
  
calum piles everything he's got onto a luggage cart and heads towards the doors of the airport, his plane ticket and passport clutched in his hand. airport customs only take half an hour, and calum is settling into his seat soon enough. everyone is asked to turn off their phones, and calum unlocks his with the intent to quickly switch it into airplane mode, but the lone text message makes him still. it's from a certain "mikey babe" (michael swears up and down that he wasn't the one who entered it) and it simply reads 'already lonely without you here'. it's not much but calum has to swallow down the lump in his throat and he wishes he could smoke again.  
  
calum turns his phone off and leans his head back, closing his eyes and trying to get his mind onto anything except michael and the life he's leaving behind. he imagines his new room, and his new professors, and the new friends he'll inevitably make. he falls asleep sometime on the flight, his mind locked on what he'll be stocking his cupboards with now that he's on his own, and nothing else. 

*

michael was lost, and he knew that much and nothing more. he swore that this was the same fucking building that he kept passing. he gritted his teeth in frustration. this definitely wasn't the right place. the address matched, but the apartment building looked nothing like the building on the flyer michael had taken from the university's on-campus cafe. risking his chances, michael went to the door, holding out the flyer so that whoever was inside of this definitely wrong building could point him in the right direction.  
  
a boy with eyes the colour of sweetened tea opened the door. michael held up the flyer as if it were an instinct and the boy grinned. "you're here about the room, right?" he asked, and michael nodded.  
  
"you're about the only person who actually showed up, so you've got no competition. i'm ashton, by the way. i live here," his potential future roommate explained, and michael introduced himself quickly. ashton seemed nice enough. michael just needed a bed, bathroom, and a microwave, honestly. he didn't really care who he shared the bills for it all with.  
  
two weeks later, michael had his own room in ashton's apartment. he was quick to learn that sophomore ashton was majoring in digital animation, and his proudest creations decorated the kitchen and livingroom. michael was glad he trusted his instincts when it came to ashton, because the two fell together easier than michael could ever remember with anybody else. when michael was moving in, ashton noticed his guitar and jumped to play a few chords. michael then asked the dumb question- if he played- and ashton laughed. they sat together on michael's bed discussing their musical idols, and michael couldn't help but think of all the nights he spent on calum's bed, talking with him about people he loved, wishing he could admit calum was at the top of that list out loud.  
  
ashton happily helps michael unpack all of his things and michael sighs. "fuck," he breathes, and ashton looks at him curiously. "i couldn't have gotten a better roommate," he admits with a smile. ashton laughs and michael can feel his heart being lifted by that laugh and grin and he thinks that he might just be okay as long as ashton keeps smiling. 

*

calum lets his phone die and keeps it tucked away in his top drawer, afraid of what he'll end up sending if he reads what michael has texted him. he collapses onto his unmade bed with a groan, and his roommate bangs on his door.  
  
"your mom called again," is yelled at him and calum sits up, his head spinning with the sudden movement. he opens his door and walks past his roommate, without looking at him. in all honesty, calum can't stand the guy. he only chose him because it was the only offering that allowed smoking in the house, but he wasn't about to admit his habit was growing out of control simply because it was the closest he could get to michael. no way, calum wouldn't even admit it to himself.  
  
calum grabs the landline, and sits down next to it, pulling the receiver from the dial pad (who the fuck even has non-cordless phones anymore?) and dials his moms number. she picks up instantly, as if it's been years since she's gotten a call from her son.  
  
"oh, honey, today i found your baby book and i just missed you so much," she tells him, and calum sighs quietly. it was so like his mom to call him every single time she thought of him. calum listens to his mom talk on about how tiny he was, and how all the doctors loved him. calum finds a pack of cigarettes on the table and if he has to put the phone down for just a second to actually reach it, his mom never has to know. he finds a lone cigarette inside, and he's quick to pluck it out and place it between his lips. he's digging for a lighter when his mom says something actually worth listening to.  
  
"there's your school photo here! oh, look at how cute michael was. he misses you, you know,"  
  
calum wants to cry when he hears his name. where the fuck is that blue lighter, he panics silently, needing that cigarette to be lit right now. his mind falls to the lighter in his top drawer beside his dead phone, the lighter with michael's name scratched into the side. calum's fingers had brushed over the carving so many times that he could imagine the feeling of every letter as his mom talks about mali's new boyfriend. the lighter had long run out of fluid, since calum kept it in-hand as often as he could without it being weird (it got weird anyways) and every time he needed a light, it was already there. calum couldn't get himself to throw the damn lighter away, and he didn't want to admit to the reason why.  
  
"michael moved out, too, so karen has been here a lot. missing our babies together, i guess," she laughs, and calum knows she's holding back tears. she's always sucked at hiding it, but rather than his mother's tears, calum is hung up on what she said.  
  
"where'd he go?" he asked, as calmly as he could before taking a long drag. he holds it in for a second and exhales louder than he would've liked.  
  
"he's just a bit closer to the university. living with some boy... aiden? no, that's not it... it was some- calum, are you smoking again?" she asks, cutting herself off. calum blows out the smoke in his lungs and moves the cigarette, as if to hide it from her.  
  
"sorry," he says quickly, and she tails off into another lecture about how his fingernails and teeth are going to turn yellow and how his lungs are going to turn black. calum can't even pretend that he cares anymore. he sighs and clears his throat, stopping her for a mere second.  
  
"mom, i've actually got a lot to do. won't smoke any more today, though, promise. love you, bye," he says, quickly, and she returns it.  
  
he hangs up and finishes the cigarette, walking back to his room and aching to be stepping over the threshold of his own bedroom back home, with michael waiting for him, always there, always so close. when calum looks around, there's nothing but an empty pack of cigarettes on his floor and a pile of dirty clothes.  
  
calum walks over to his bed and pulls out his phone. he plugs it in and while he's awaiting for it to be able to even turn on, he lays back in his bed, his chest heavy. his mind is on michael's eyes. sometimes they're blue, sometimes they're grey, usually they're green, but right now, they were home, and calum was so homesick he could feel it in his bones.  
  
his phone alerted him that it was now on with a small sound, which pulled calum back to the surface. he grabbed it and it immediately began buzzing over and over, incoming texts from several people. his sister, his mom, his friends, but the only ones he cared about enough to swipe open were the ones from "mikey babe". the texts only spanned back a few days, since calum had read all of the ones he's received before his phone died, but he still hasn't contacted michael since the day he left sydney.

_tuesday 3:48pm  
ashton told me that you're attending one of the best art schools. i'm proud. _

_wednesday 4:37am  
but why did you fucking leave me calum it hurts so fucking much without you here _

_wednesday 4:39am  
you were supposed to be the toothbrush next to mine not him _

_wednesday 4:40am  
im sorry im so fucking drunk and i miss you so fucking much _

_thursday 12:28pm  
are you mad at me about the other night? i'm sorry. please respond. _

_thursday 9:33pm  
i know you left me behind for a reason but please don't do this, calum._

_friday 4:46pm  
your mom called me today. i think she misses me around almost as much as you._

_yesterday 11:57am  
i woke up next to him and i started fucking crying it's supposed to be you you you i'm so sorry for whatever i did with him just know it was you i wanted it's still you i want please _

_yesterday 1:34pm  
ashton told me nothing happened last night. he just slept next to me because i cried over you last night. i'm still sorry, calum. talk to me._

calum doesn't realise he's crying until he can't see the tiny keyboard. michael seems to miss him almost as much as calum misses him, and suddenly calum's lungs feel black and coated and he can't breathe, but he types out what's on his mind anyways and sends it before he can regret it.

_i can't stop smoking because they taste like you i'm literally killing myself out here alone i can't even breathe i can't sleep i miss you so much i miss home i miss you michael i'm so fucking sorry for leaving you behind i want to go home_

calum wants to fall into a crack in the earth's surface and not survive it. he's sure it'll hurt less than missing michael as much as he does. his head aches and sobs are ripping their way out of his chest, tears spilling down onto his bedspread. he has no idea what to do. school is going well for him, and it was one of his biggest accomplishments to actually get into the school; so he's not about to leave.  
  
but michael. his best friend since he knew what a friend actually was, and everything else. michael was his first sleepover, his first kiss, his first date, his first slow dance, his first unofficial, one-sided boyfriend. they'd never talked about what they were, but they felt exclusive. they'd never done anything overly affectionate in public, so calum knew that they weren't anything official. in private, they were constantly tangled together, usually in calum's bed. they'd spent countless hours lying on their sides, turned into each other, just slowly kissing each other, feeling everything, passionate and relaxing.  
  
they'd fooled around a handful of times (most encounters involved alcohol or weed) but never anything serious. the furthest they'd gone was the time they were in the basement of michael's house, home alone, together on the couch watching reruns of the simpsons. calum was feeling horny and bored, so he'd reached over and began petting michael's thigh. soon enough, michael was pressing his hips upwards into calum's palm. once calum had gotten michael's dick out, he began pumping, completely overwhelmed by how familiar he was getting with michael's body. empowered by the rush, he'd leaned forward and given the flushed pink head of his cock a gentle lick. michael had gasped in surprise, and calum took it as a signal to keep going. the blowjob he'd given michael was admittedly horrible and sloppy, but michael got off anyways (calum excused himself to spit in the bathroom sink and rinse out his mouth afterwards) so he supposed that blowjobs weren't completely ruled out.  
  
the world around them just assumed they were nothing more than friends (although ashton knew that calum was michael's kinda-boyfriend; he just didn't ask) and they were okay with that. they couldn't even talk about it to each other, why would they want other people to know?  
  
after about ten minutes of self pity and utter confusion about his situation, calum wipes his drying tears and sits back up to grab his phone, which vibrated again.  
  
he unlocked it as soon as he saw who it was from.

_spend christmas with me._

calum wants to call, but he isn't sure that he could do it. he has no idea if he could keep his composure if he were to hear michael's voice again, rough and thick with the accent of home. instead, it takes him several minutes to type out a simple text in reply.

_okay._

it doesn't feel like enough. he's run out things to say, but it's not enough to stop quite yet. only one thing crosses his mind to actually say to michael, and he types it out, reading it over and over, his thumb ghosting over the 'send' button. 

_love you._

calum deletes it.


End file.
